Archives for posts with tag: Pride

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  1. Pretty much everything you think you know for certain, you don’t.
  2. Plan pee breaks, know where the nearest toilet is…at all times.
  3. My waist is becoming a distant memory.
  4. The amount of fucks I give is rapidly declining; at the same rate my waistline is expanding.
  5. Never deny yourself pleasure. Eat. Drink. Being skinny does not feel as good as real Italian pizza tastes, or fresh sushi, bacon sandwiches, picanha with soy and wasabi. Devour everything.
  6. The internet is dangerous for bored husbands with mobile phones and penis in hand…
  7. Dick pics are rarely enticing.
  8. Don’t try and change people. Everyone tells their own tale, we craft our own narratives, become characters in our own stories. If their reality is different to your version, let them keep it.
  9. Never stop being a kid. Once in a while sing, play, build nests and forts, jump around and laugh until you cry.
  10. My teeth are divorcing, the distance between them is so great, whole sirloin steaks can be found in the crevices. Toothpicks loiter in all my handbags
  11. When you have heard all their stories, if you are not making any new ones…it’s time to move on.
  12. You are as beautiful, sexy, alluring or desirable as you want to be, this does not come from outside. Radiate you, give a giant fuck off to anyone who doesn’t get it.
  13. You can move across the world, twice, and still find kindred spirits, good hearts and wise women.
  14. An early night in your own bed is a moment of pure pleasure.
  15. ‘Just stick it anywhere’ is not a romantic phrase to hear in a tender shared moment.
  16. Never, never, Google your symptoms. Inevitably it will say cancer, then you will have to spend the next hour panicking and further couple of hours reassuring yourself you are not dying.
  17. Your friends will have children who are adults, how is this possible when we all still need to grow up?
  18. Dating is not a game, it’s a procedure.
  19. You have definitely heard it all before.
  20. People may say you are an inspiration or a role model. You remember the time you slipped over in your own vomit after too much red wine and keep quiet…
  21. Travel is wonderful exhilarating and exciting but you can afford comfort over authenticity.
  22. Do not be afraid to be seen, be judged, be stupid, fuck up, fall over, all you need to do is get up and smile.
  23. Sing. Loudly.
  24. Inhabit the body you have, not the body you think you should have. Touch the sides.
  25. No more waiting, the time is now.
  26. There are people in your life who have grown older alongside you, and these are precious gems.
  27. You will experience loss and you can survive it.
  28. The excesses of youth do catch up with you, recovery times are increased, at times I feel like my body is angry with me, I am ever grateful it never gave up on me, despite the abuses.
  29. There are some people you have to let go.
  30. And some that go but stay with you forever
  31. Manage your expectations, be content with the reality of people and not the projection of what you wish they could be.
  32. You will know the meaning of perimenopausal and start to look out for ‘changes’.
  33. Don’t blame others for the consequences of your choices, own it, overcome it and hope to choose better next time.
  34. Vigorous dancing, especially jumping, can result in a little leakage…
  35. Don’t let this stop you jumping and dancing, a life without leaping is a life half lived.
  36. Fear is fading fast, I am no longer as afraid, it is not courage, it’s survival.
  37. There is still so much wonderful music you haven’t heard.
  38. Create, create, create and surround yourself with creative people, this is the real life force.
  39. Avoid people who want to change you.
  40. Avoid people who want more than you can give.
  41. Spend time with people who know and love you exactly as you are.
  42. Birthdays matter less but always take the opportunity to celebrate.
  43. Age ain’t nothing but a number baby

I took this, good innit?

I describe my job as ´bossy show off`. When I became a teacher, I was fortunate enough to find a job in which, possibly negative, aspects of my personality were put to good use. I had always been bossy; I had always been a show off. Now I was getting paid to do both.

When I say show off, I mean performer or extrovert. I mean I am unafraid to have the eyes of the world upon me. I can stand up and talk in front of people, I can sing karaoke, I can make a speech. These days as I stand out sometimes I feel a judgment on my physicality. I have written before about not fitting a physical ideal and occasionally I worry about this judgment when I am in front of a crowd. But I am a fighter and fight that feeling off. Judge me to be fat, judge me to be lazy, these are your decisions I cannot change them. My belief in my words, my intelligence and myself will pass through these judgments. Being a bossy show off needs careful management, one can easily stray to arrogance or to cruelty. I am generally a confident person. This is not to say I never have self doubt, I do, constantly. But as I said I am a fighter, I will fight these feelings just as I fight my egotistical tendencies.

This can also lead to another sort of judgment, one that forgets almost all humans are motivated by fear. That despite an outward confidence, arrogance, sharpness, aggression or anger, underneath is almost always a terrified child, confused and afraid. The other day a friend described me as ´big headed’. We were talking about a new relationship I was in and she asked; ´How will he cope with your big headedness?´.  My initial instinct was to laugh and say ´He´ll probably agree that I´m fucking brilliant´. But her comment stayed with me. I wasn´t surprised that I could be occasionally perceived as big headed but I thought that a friend would see past that. Surprised she too could forget that I was often fearful, doubting and confused.

The same week I posted a new blog. As I checked the views each day it didn´t reach the same numbers as previous blogs had, I was disappointed. I started to think about pride. I started the blog because I love to write, because I wanted to record my experiences and because I wanted to think about and share my thoughts about education. Any audience, any readers were a bonus. It wasn´t written to make me famous or make my fortune. But once a few people started reading, the delicious intoxication of the stats started to consume me and I would check them several times a day. Instead I needed to check my pride and remember that it´s never about the numbers and always about the words.

I am proud of the blog, I am proud that I made it to Brazil. Proud that after 38 years I was still able to leave behind everything familiar and make a new life. I am proud of the travel I have done, I am proud of the successes I have in my work, I am proud of being a good teacher, a good leader and a good friend.

But I am not big headed, I’m not arrogant. I am confident in myself but it is hard work and takes effort. I strive always to find the rewards inside myself and not to seek approval from the world. I believe looking outside for approval or reward can leave you feeling a constant failure. But it is hard work to rely on yourself, I do need to feel that others see it too. I need to feel that they know it, that they understand. Is this big headedness, arrogance or pride?

And what does this mean for my pupils? We discussed rewards at school. The debate was between engendering in the students the intrinsic belief in education, the pride in the achievement, with no rewards. Simply knowing you did your best. This can be difficult when you work with children who have been given the right to an education, who don´t value it as a commodity, who see no real extrinsic value to it. Also I´m not sure any of us really does anything with no expectation of rewards. They need to feel rewarded for their efforts, they need to be noticed, praised, and celebrated. So do I.  Despite my battle not to look at the stats, I seek the rewards of the outside. I don´t work for free, teaching is not reward enough in itself, I give the library but I gain a feeling of joy from that gift.

I want my pupils to feel pride in their efforts but I also want to reward them. I want to take pride in my efforts too. The bossy show off in me will sing, shout, share and celebrate myself but I will seek to celebrate with you too.

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